I Survived You

You’re the reason I have life

But you would have been the death of me.

I wish I’d known better than to hope you’d stutter

When you aimed them poison tipped words at my heart,

– One after another.

Eventually I became the un-recyclable due to consistent misuse,

And very much aware that by this fact you were almost amused.

But shortly after truth moved in to my mind i realized

That I’m the one who let you make me a believer in lies.

I considered blaming Daddy

when i paused from blaming you.

-After all he’s the one who didn’t want me-

But then neither did you.

That’s how rejection became my teddy

We’d cuddle each night as i fell asleep.

I’d shut my eyes hoping to shut out

Yells about who you were never meant to keep.

But alas, my eye shutting didn’t leave me deaf and.

With time all the pains worsened

And the so familiar vacuum increased

– And I tried desperately to find treatment –

Because all this feeling was my disease.

So I tried to cut me out and leave behind a shell

Because that won’t ever be affected by the hurt he had to share.

But my blade must’ve been blunt and thus it left life in me.

It’s as though even inanimate objects were out to make me unhappy!

The word happiness itself was a stranger but I craved its acquaintance

Which is why every note writ ended up in the bin

With that repeated pain-infused, self-death sentence.

I needed a distraction but my pain had my full attention

And it wasn’t till after mistaking my body for dents in a vehicle,

That he realized I wasn’t worth his exercise and perspiration-

Thus he walked out.

I let it matter till it became my atmosphere.

Convinced that for blood to reject me, I’d be unwanted everywhere

You never seemed interested enough to say something

So I gave up on you both thanks to your indifference and his abusing

Thinking if my partial creators found me so wanting,

Then I must be in need of some major correcting.

But all the grafting and patching I did further ripped me

Till I avoided everything I could be reflected in.

A death diet was the next place I sought relief

Perhaps a variety of tastes would alleviate the grief?

However gorging myself didn’t quite numb me —

I needed to find more effective pain feed.

The pills first seemed to be helping

When Insomnia somehow became normalcy;

Because the nightmares wouldn’t let me dream of better days

And all my days I lived in depression’s dark hallway.

However soon I couldn’t cope if I’d not ‘popped’ some

-all I ever really wanted was lasting oblivion.

Consciousness had never seemed to add value, and so

If my body had to stay – maybe my mind could go?

But nothing worked, I was miserable, and you cared not.

Till the flower of hope in my mind began to rot.

Whatever made me think you would ever choose to change?

Either way, whatever it was and I got disengaged.

With time I walked away, determined to never look back

and on the way, someone trained me to get my life on track

Now I’m all grown up but found a new beginning

Daily learning to leave the past that wouldn’t let joy in.

The cavity in my heart’s gotten a permanent filling

So I’m done existing…yeah mom, I’m living.

___________________________________________

Dedicated to everyone who’s been through (going through) some deep stuff.

Thank God you survived//have held on this long.

Just remember…Jesus will ALWAYS be the answer. 🙂 ❤